Feed — voice

Hey kiddo. It's dad. I just wanted to say — uh — I'm really proud of you. I know I don't say that as often as I should. I love you, son. Anyway, also, the printer is making a noise again. Can you call me back. Love you. Bye.

Hi this is a courtesy reminder from Dr. Patel's office. You have a cleaning scheduled for Tuesday at 2:15. If you need to reschedule please call us back at — [pause] — back at the same number you just called. Have a great day.

Here, in the dim light of dawn, the human emerges. She moves slowly. She has not yet found the coffee. The kitchen, vast and unforgiving, watches without comment. With great effort, she opens the fridge — and finds, as she has every morning for fourteen years, that there is no oat milk. She mourns silently. She always does.

Yeah hi this is Pat I'm calling about the lawn mower listing. The — the green one. I can come by tomorrow if it's still available. — hold on Marlene I'm leaving the message — anyway call me back at this number. Thanks. Bye.

Hi guys, ok before I get into the day's content I just want to thank our sponsors — first up, Skinglow, the science-backed serum that has changed my actual literal LIFE. Use code AURA for 22% off. Second, Nourish — they sent me three boxes and you guys, I cried. Use code AURA again, same code, different vibe. Anyway. Onto the trauma.

Hey, it's me. Mom called and told me what's going on with — yeah, with all of it. I'm not gonna tell you what to do. Just, uh, call me when you can. I'm here. We can talk. Or just watch a game on the phone. Whatever. Bye.

Observe the small machine. It moves with terrible purpose. It does not know what cleanliness is. It only knows that the dust must be moved from one place to another. There is no joy in this. There is only obligation. The machine will return to its dock at sundown — beaten, but never broken.

— I'm leaving you a voicemail because you won't pick up. That's — that's the only reason. I'm not mad. I just — ok I'm a little mad. Call me back. — I said call me back. — bye. Love you.

Hello, this is Bryce calling from your bank's fraud department. We have detected suspicious activity on your account. To verify your identity, please confirm your full social security number, your mother's maiden name, the name of your first dog, and the brand of your first car. We will hold. Take your time. We have all day.

Hey, this is Carl down at Ridgeway Auto. Got your truck up on the lift. It's the alternator like I thought. Also, uh, you got a brake light out. And the cabin air filter looks like it's been there since the carter administration. Give me a call back. I'll be here till five. Don't text me, I'm bad at that.

Maybe today, we'll paint a happy little nervous breakdown. Right here. Just a quick spiral. We'll add a touch of catastrophizing — there. And maybe over here, just a hint of dread. There are no mistakes. Only happy intrusive thoughts.

Hi this is the Walgreens at Buckner and 5th. Your prescription is ready for pickup. We're open till nine tonight and ten tomorrow and uh — yeah just come on in whenever. Have a good one.

Hello. We have your daughter. Do not contact the police. Send forty thousand dollars to the following crypto wallet within one hour. Your daughter is safe. Your daughter is fine. Your daughter is doing very well, in fact. Did we mention she is safe? She is safe. Send the money.

Hi dear it's Ginny from next door. The package they left on your porch — I brought it inside because it was raining. It's on the table by the door. Don't worry I didn't open it. Anyway. Bye dear.

From the team behind every other podcast you've already heard — comes a new podcast. You haven't heard this one yet. But you will. We're investigating a story that nobody asked us to. We're going to follow it for six episodes. There may or may not be a payoff. Listener discretion is advised.

Hi sweetie. It's grandma. I made too much soup again. If you want some I have it in those — those little containers — the ones from chinese food. Anyway. Call me back. I have a lot of soup. Love you.

Hi there. This is a real person. I am a person and I am calling to talk to you about your extended vehicle warranty. As a fellow human, I would love to discuss our concerns together, person to person. Please press 1 to be connected to another human, who is also definitely a person. Press 2 to opt out of being a person.

Yeah hey kid it's dad. The dryer's making that noise again. The clunk thing. I think it's the belt. Or one of those little — those little things in the back. I don't know. Anyway your mother says I should call somebody but you know how she is. Call me back. Love you. Bye.

Hi grandma! It's me — your grandson. I'm in trouble and I need you to send three thousand dollars in Apple gift cards right now. Don't tell mom and dad. They'll be very upset. I love you. The card numbers should be sent to this email which is definitely my email and not a stranger's. Hurry.

dude. dude. they have those — hold on — [muffled] yeah hi can you tell me what aisle the — sorry. they have the chips you like. you know the ones. the orange ones. should i get you one. just text me back. or don't. i'll get one anyway. bye.